By Ben Holcomb

Doug Martin has recently burst onto the scene in the NFL as the breakout rookie running back for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. He’s turned into the biggest fantasy surprise of the season to date, totaling a whopping 52 points on November 4th against the Raiders. He’s playing so well that there are even talks he may usurp Andrew Luck and RGIII to win the Offensive Rookie of the Year award. But Martin is getting more attention these days not for his incredible theatrics on the field, but instead for his downright awful nickname: The Muscle Hamster.

Martin got the nickname back in his days at Boise State, when his girlfriend was a gymnast and a friend joked her muscular build resembled a “muscle hamster”. Trying to stand up for her, Martin shot that notion down, only to receive the exact same jeer from his friend. Alas, they were a couple of Muscle Hamsters. The nickname stuck, and now as he barrels over opposing NFL defenses every Sunday, reporters all over the country can’t help but call him by this awful moniker.

But Martin’s cried foul. He hates the name, wants a new one, goes so far as to say it’s the worst nickname ever. We here at the Nosebleeds thought we’d help him cope a little better by providing him with a list of nicknames that are far worse than the one he already has. If he somehow sees this list, maybe he’ll be more thankful for his unique nickname. The list:

  • The Dead Muscle Hamster
  • The Muscular Dystrophy Hamster
  • The Hamster than Eats its Young
  • The Whirling Gerbil
  • The Hurling Gerbil
  • Mr. Meattoad
  • Meat Toad McAnderson
  • The Muscle Hipster
  • Pigeon Butt
  • The Running Back Guy
  • Second & Long
  • Hamst(e)ring.
  • Doug “Canadian Bacon” Martin
  • The Gerbiling Wizard
  • Richard Gere
  • The Toaster Gremlin
  • The Spritely Troll
  • The Chinchiller
  • Stugg Marvin
  • Mug Dartin
  • Teach Me How to Dougie
  • Mr. Doug
  • Doug “This is my livelihood, none of this is” Funny
  • Strong Guy
  • Doug-Taro
  • The Soggy Sewer Rat
  • The Rat that Fell in a Vat of Nuclear Waste and is now exorbitantly massive, like almost to the point of being immobile but nevertheless very, very strong, so strong his muscles are bulging out of his small body and admittedly seem to be very intimidating, if you’re the type of person that gets intimidated by a rat, and the other thing is it’s kind of sad when you step back and think about it because those same muscles that make him look “supes” awesome are the ones that are perpetually pressing up against his heart and straining it beyond what one could call a “healthy level”, yes, indeed, it appears this strong rat won’t make it past the end of the year, in fact, he’s like the Manute Bol of rats.
  • Oruchuban Ebichu
  • Martin the Warrior (Specifically from the Redwall Series)
  • Captain Doug Sparrow
  • Shmee
  • The Bucking Buck
  • Buc Nasty Wild
  • The Prescription Doug
  • The Anti-Depressant Doug
  • The Jitter Doug
  • The Throw Doug
  • Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug! (to the tune of Chug! Chug! Chug!)
  • A Rodent of Unusual Size (Submitted by Mitchell Snow)
  • Doug “He Will Make You All Dis”Martin”ed”.
  • Dizzzle Mizzzle, Forshizzle.
  • The Street Sweeper (actual person that sweeps streets of trash)
  • Madeline
  • The Muscle Pollster
  • The Muscle Oyster
  • The Bumbling Boise Bungaroo
  • Doug it Out
  • Mandible Dogslobber
  • Candy Crowley
  • Miss Berkshire McDiligence