By Jaime Olaez

Minutes after the devastating loss to the Sacramento Kings (3-8) the Los Angeles Lakers (6-6) had hit the panic button in the front office. Phil Jackson was contacted and begged to return to Coach the Lakers. Many Laker fans refer to Jackson, 11-time NBA champion coach, as the “Zen Master” or “The Greatest F***ING Man to Ever Walk the Earth” and much hoopla has been placed in his possible return to the Lakers after the firing of Mike Brown.

Mike Brown’s departure from Los Angeles was more celebrated than the departure of Jamie Kennedy from Malibu after his shell of a film Malibu’s Most Wanted.

Mike Brown’s departure from Los Angeles was more celebrated than Kobe changing his number from 8 to 24 and getting rid of that sexually charged afro.
Mike Brown’s departure from Los Angeles reached a happier audience then a San Franciscan PRIDE festival.

Jackson, who couldn’t be reached for comment about this matter, did happen to be quoted saying he would consider a return to the Lakers if he A) didn’t have to attend any away games because “lol, they sux” as said by Phil. B) He would have more say in basketball operations and any operations they any member of the Buss family may have. Especially those involving any pulling of any types of plugs. C) a small stake in ownership and as many free nachos as he deems fit. D) He would get Scottie Pippen, Brad Shaw, and of course Kenny G on his coaching staff by any means necessary.

The Front Office first called these demands ridiculous which is what precisely led to the hiring of D’Antoni a few weeks ago.  D’Antoni’s demands were miniscule in comparison to Jackon’s. Mike’s only request was that he could get Instagram a picture of Kobe, Dwight, Nash, and Gasol with the caption of “FUTURE CHAMPZ BABEEE” as per Sports Illustrated.

D’Antoni’s time with the team has been limited due to a knee injury he has faced prior to being hired. (The knee injury was done in a corn hole accident although Mike D’Antoni will never admit he actually partook in that hillbilly game) The games he has attended he received the respect of multiple players, coaches, and most ball boys.

“I don’t trust that accent, he sounds like Good Will Hunting but dumber” one ball boy had said. Now, to be fair, Will Hunting was a genius, so to be less intelligent than that fictional character could still manage to be impressive.

*BREAKING*

Jim Buss has released the transcript of the phone conversation he had just had with Phil about returning and Wine and Cheese is the first to report on it.

Jim: Soo…..

Phil:  Yeah….

Jim: Did you, uhh, catch that new Walking Dead? It’s getting pretty cray…

Phil: No, I was too busy watching Marcus Thornton play some Junior Varsity squad.

Jim: Come on, Marcus is a special talent in this league. He has a lot to show for his draft—

Phil: He was taken 43rd overall

Jim: Yeah, and we were hoping he’d slip to us at 47th.

Phil: The defense is all wrong, Kobe is working too hard to keep his body in check by the time April rolls around, and by the looks of it Metta World Peace still thinks he is working construction by the amount of bricks he is putting up.

Jim: We’ll give you 7 million but I am going to be very involved in every basketball decisi—

Hang up.

Jim: He didn’t even wait for me to offer Shaq…

Jackson’s interest in returning with the Lakers has been a soap opera to try to cover. It’s been less exciting to cover than Paul Ryan’s excuses as to why Romney and himself had lost the election.

The Zen Master now has to make a decision… again. Return to the Lakers and be the subject of horrible LA fans who can’t name the starting line-up of the team or go back to fly fishing where the only thing tugging on his string won’t be a 7 foot goofball of a center but a nice fish.

And really, the lesson here is… The Lakers suck.