By Marc Hall

Some people think that the UFC is a barbaric bloodsport that should be banned completely. I don’t know what these people are watching because the UFC I know is soft as sh**. Sometimes I don’t know If I’m watching a fight or The Suite Life of Zach & Cody. Below I’ve listed a couple of solutions for fixing the UFC and getting this country back on track.

Dong Shots

Yea sure these guys have chins of steel, hands of stone and can make someone beg for their lives with a well placed guillotine choke or a kimura, but none of that means sh** if they can’t take a straight shot to the balls/wiener. If their was ever a street fight between Johnny Knoxville and Jon “Bones” Jones, my money would be on Knoxville because when his balls take a lickin’, he keeps on tickin’.


Wins by decision? That’s ridiculous. It’s a slippery slope you know, one day you’re winning by decision and the next you’re listening to 3OH!3. The way I see it a fight should only end when someone is either knocked out or dead. If they can’t get it done in three rounds I think that they should tie their wrists up together and have a good ol’ fashion knife fight like at the end of the “Beat It” music video. That really get people all juiced up.


If you have ever seen Anderson Silva fight, you’d know he’s a beast. 17 consecutive wins and 10 title defenses, he’s not getting beat by any human. What I would like to see though is Silva vs like a lion or a gorilla or something. That sh** be raw as hell.

Raise the Stakes

These dudes in the UFC have no real incentive to win. If someone beats the champ, what do they get? A belt? I don’t know about you but I’ve got enough belts. Maybe if Dana White kidnapped a fighters family and told him if he didn’t win he would execute them Mexican cartel style, that fighter might have a little more pep in his step. It wouldn’t be an easy win though because he’d be fighting against a death row convict who’s been promised his freedom if he can win five straight in the ring. Then I bet nobody would be tapping out like a pansy.

Change the Octagon

An Octagon? Come on who needs that many sides? It’s ridiculous. I’m trying to watch a fight, not trying to do geometry.

If after a fight, Joe Rogan could say “Evidently, fear is not a factor for you” to the winner, it be pretty sweet too.